Gucci Hoochie?

Discussion in 'General Industry Related Topics' started by Othello, Jun 1, 2001.

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  1. Monk


    The one thing this article doesn't explain is what the operation actually entails. Without going into the gory details, does anyone know?
  2. justme

    justme homo economicus

    Of course the immediate corollary to 'tight is better' is 'size does matter' (or perhaps that's the dual... damn, my math is rusty)
  3. Monk


    Finally! A woman admits that "tight is better".
  4. sneaker


    What a great post!

    I usually hate reading thru long-winded posts, but yours was interesting and quite humorous from start to finish. Thanks for the good laugh!
  5. Candide


    Othello - I laughed so hard I fell off my chair at that last paragraph - you go Susannah Breslin! That's telling them. (I wonder if she is any relation to Jimmy?)

    Definitely S & M if you go back to the same salon a second time. The first and only time I went was at a nice salon on Madison avenue which did manicures, pedicures and waxing. My friend from work and I both went to get a bikini waxing (at lunch time of all things) and we were in those little closed off areas next to each other where the walls don't reach the ceiling...kind of like those massage places have I imagine :) We both screamed at the same time and both of us wanted to leave before they could do the other side (a healthy sign of non masochistic behavior) But the girls promised it wouldn't hurt as much cause they would be more careful... well it did hurt just as much and they weren't more careful! My friend has an olive complexion and looks tanned all year round so she didn't bruise. But I'm pale with sensitive skin and later on that afternoon after the pain still hadn't subsided I went into the ladies room to find my upper thighs a livid purple and blue color...damn! - I looked like I'd been beaten up - so I wore shorts to Key West instead of a bathing suit....and learned my lesson - wax (or shave) yourself at home - it's safer! I've heard of tummy tucks but vaginal tucks...ouch...,they should bring the Vagina Monologues back to Broadway!

    [Edited by Candide on 06-03-2001 at 06:14 PM]
  6. Phantom



    Just out of curiousity, would applying and then removing wax to a womans pubic area be considered a fetish all by itself? Or would it fall under the heading of S/M?

    Phantom, who's bored and has too much free time, looking for gold.

    [Edited by Phantom on 06-03-2001 at 03:15 PM]
  7. mercydancer


    Too often, unfortunately.
  8. MrNY

    MrNY Subject to blackouts

    true story...

    marisa tomei last summer went to one, was burned so badly - that she sued the establishment...

    Gee, I wonder if we know who represented her ... ?
  9. Slinky Bender

    Slinky Bender The All Powerful Moderator

    Friend of a friend went to one of those Brazillian "hair removal" places for her "bikini waxing" about two years ago. They poured on whatever near her "most sensitive area", but when they ripped it off, got not only the hair, but a small patch of skin as well. According to my friend, she screamed so loud that they thought someone had been killed. I wonder how often that happens ????
  10. justme

    justme homo economicus

    I saw ads for this in one of those free weeklies in L.A. when I was vacationing there last July. Freaked me out then and it freaks me out now. Laser?
  11. nycjohn25


    I seen an ad for Vaginal tightening in the Village voice a few weeks ago.

    Anybody else see it?

    I think its interesting...
  12. Slinky Bender

    Slinky Bender The All Powerful Moderator

    Does anyone remember when they auctioned off Houston's Labia ?
  13. Othello


    This is a "fitting" complement to those of us that might possess a "Picasso Penis" (

    [Edited by Othello on 06-01-2001 at 02:54 PM]
  14. Othello


    Just when I've learned to appreciate a good "silicone" job, something new comes along!

    Ladies and Gents: I had a tough time suppressing my humor while reading this article.

    Gucci Hoochie? (Published 03/08/01

    "Apparently, there are enough out-of-shape vaginas in California to keep "vaginal rejuvenation" surgeons in business."

    By Kim Ficera

    Not too long ago, while in a salon waiting to get my hair cut, I picked up an old issue of Harper's Bazaar-the most recent issue of Time was nowhere in sight.

    Harper's is not a magazine I normally read. I don't need advice on which shoes go best with this or that bag, because I don't really care. And I don't need "10 Tips on How to Please My Man," because I don't have a man. But, if I did, I'd ask him how he'd like to be pleased, not a magazine.

    Harper's is one of those magazines that imply that perfection is attainable for the price of a subscription. And that amuses me because I can get the same, if not better, advice from a fortune cookie. Simply by adding the words "in bed" to my fortune, I can transcend inadequacy and propel myself toward sexual perfection. And it works the same way with a Harper's headline. You know, you've probably played the game-"Five Minutes to a More Beautiful You...In Bed."

    As I waited for my stylist, I leafed through the magazine, giving the glossy pages only a fraction of my attention-until, that is, I reached the health section. There I saw a picture of a naked woman lying on her back with her legs crossed. Her head and breasts, and the bottom of one leg, were cropped out and the words "Designer Vaginas" crossed her flat belly.

    I'm guessing that her posed legs represented a somewhat awkward looking "V" and that the picture was supposed to be "artistic" in nature. But to me, the model looked like an amputee doing a porn layout. That, plus the words "Designer Vaginas," sparked my curiosity; but when I added "in bed" I was completely hooked.

    The teaser at the top of the page read, "Face-lifts, liposuction, collagen injections-commonplace procedures all. But vaginal tightening?"

    Ewww, I thought!

    As I read, I learned that Dr. David L. Matlock, a California gynecologist, practices the latest technique in cosmetic surgery-female genital reconstruction. From remodeling the appearance of the inner and outer vaginal lips to reducing the diameter of the vaginal canal, he and other gynecologists and plastic surgeons are altering private parts at the request of those willing to shell out the thousands of dollars necessary to get the procedure done.

    According to the author of the article, Susannah Breslin, Matlock considers himself "the Picasso of vaginas." Now, I don't know too much about Picasso, but don't his paintings lack a certain symmetry that vaginas require?

    A scary doctor needs a scary office name, and Matlock's got one-"The Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Center of Los Angeles." There, according to the author, an average of 20 vaginal surgeries are performed a month.

    Apparently, there are enough out-of-shape vaginas in California to go around. I don't know if that has anything to do with all the free love that was handed out there in the '60s, but Dr. Jane Norton of Palm Desert, Calif., who also performs the technique, welcomes the wilted wee-wees that seek her help. She's quoted in the article as saying, "Whatever needs to be fixed, I fix."

    But wait. Sagging Sallies rejoice! It gets better.

    According to another surgeon who rejuvenates vaginas (but who apparently and wisely chose to remain nameless for the article), there's no difference between himself and the doctor who, after completing an episiotomy on a woman, fulfills her husband's request to "throw a stitch in there for me."

    Sweet, I know. But, before all you droopy girls reach for the phonebook, you should know that Harper's is quick to point out that these procedures aren't approved by the American Society of Plastic and Reconstructive Surgeons. The writer suggests that women interested in improving vaginal muscle function (in order to have more and better orgasms) should first look at non-surgical treatments.

    In a section called "Intimate Advice," Breslin offers alternatives, which include Fem Tone Vaginal Weights-"a five-pack of vaginal 'barbells' that range from 20-70 grams apiece." They give new meaning to the term "workout," I thought, so I made a mental note to ask a friend, who is also a personal trainer, if she's ever heard of such things and if they require a spotter.

    As I continued to read, I gasped again and again, because I don't want anything that resembles a laser, a knife or a needle anywhere near my hoochie, and therefore can't imagine electing to have surgery on my Love Boat, even if it was sinking.

    An older woman waiting in the chair next to mine apparently felt the need to respond to my audible disapproval.

    "What are you reading?" she asked curiously.

    I held up the page and showed her. "Haven't we come farther than this?" I asked, sure she would agree with me.

    She looked and nodded furiously. "I read that," she said. "You're too young to understand it now, but when you're my age, and have pumped out four kids like I have, you'll appreciate what those doctors are doing!"

    "No, I won't!" I insisted.

    "Sure you will, Honey," she said. She leaned in close to me. "You're young. You're TIGHT!" She laughed the laugh of someone who'd smoked 50 cigarettes before breakfast. "Take it from me, tight is GOOD."

    Well, I couldn't argue with that, but there was something about her enthusiasm that scared the hell out of me. So, I was happy when her stylist came to get her.

    I watched her walk away and wondered if she feared some vital organ would just fall out of her and slide across the salon floor. But then I realized that she wasn't concerned about anything falling out, she was more concerned with keeping one thing in.

    So, I wondered how a conversation between a man and woman might start on the subject of vaginal weakness. I pictured a couple in bed. The man, attempting to reach orgasm, struggles to prevent his penis from slipping out of his loose-lipped wife. The woman, cramped from trying to hold him inside of her, feels like an old pair of stretch pants that's lost its snap after a couple of thousand spins in the dryer. Eventually the man, who has become nothing more than a selfish, frustrated penis on a mission, yells, "Damn it, you loose bitch! Go see a doctor, will ya?"

    And then the woman, convinced that it's her pathetic lack of hoo-hoo muscle function that's turned her into a blow-up doll, doesn't push the jerk off of her and leave him for a man with a bigger penis, she instead says, "You're right, Honey. Anything for Mr. Peter!" And then she reaches for the phone beside the bed, dials a guy like Matlock and exclaims in desperation. "Hello, Doctor? Help, my vagina is loose and it's ruining my marriage!"

    "Of course it is," the doctor agrees. "Come to my office immediately with a check for $4,000. And tell your husband to bring a deck of cards and a bottle of Chivas!"

    I was pulled out of that nightmare by my stylist, who stood before me with scissors in hand. "I'm ready," she said with a smile.

    And I was thankful-very thankful-that all she was about to cut was my hair.