I need me some relationship advice, please

Discussion in 'General Industry Related Topics' started by K.S., Feb 23, 2001.

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  1. Casper


    Casper is neither mad nor angry at those who are not mad or angry at others (showing a "bit" of the twisted sense of humor KS spoke about

    Piece out or is that Eat out, hmm or is that Eat in .. to be continued

  2. justme

    justme homo economicus

    I prefer KS's honesty and occasional bluntness to the omnipresent alternative.
  3. guy catelli

    guy catelli

    yes, but ....

    what about those of us who are 'twisted' in a naughty way? should our feelings be hurt? :confused:
  4. frog


    frog is neither mad or angry at KS or Casper, or anyone.
  5. frog


    how would one punctuate what KS wrote to make it more or less sensitive (sic)?
  6. Casper


    I'm far from mad, just thinking maybe I misread you or maybe you're not sensative to the way to use your words or punctuations !!!!

    No one makes us read these posts, that is true. but there again is another example of the sarcasm/back handed compliment I've noticed from you. I've not read this thread in any detail till tonight, nor did I add my .02 cents in giving you advice because I had nothing new to add. However I felt a "vibe" in your posts, one of insensativity to the "hobbyists", but you say it was not meant in a bad way. I will take you at your word cause that is all I truly have to go on, not knowing you, nor you knowing me.

    Words are powerful, so we should take care on how we use them. Just my .02 cents.

    Peace out and my best to you for your future

    [Edited by Casper on 03-27-2001 at 02:52 AM]
  7. K.S.


    Oh, Casper! Don't be mad! I didn't mean it in a bad way, but in a rueful kinda way - we're ALL a little twisted here, don't you think?

    Anyway, I'm sorry if I insulted anybody - I don't think ill of you guys. If I did, do you think I'd come in here and expose my vulnerabilities like this? I knew that this board was the best place to get advice on what to do if, when we got to this week's crossroads, we'd gone the other route to Serious Commitmentville. Everyone gave me such kind and thoughtful advice that when things ended this week, I thought I'd come back and share about it. (Fully aware that that may be childish and tiresome to some, but, hey, nobody's makin' ya read the posts!)

    Anyway, if you're twisted, it's in a good way.
  8. Casper


    Is it me or does someone else take offense to that twisted ways comment ?

    Yes you're going through a tough time, no doubt, however back handed "compliments" will not make you win any points with anyone, especially ones you consider "twisted".

  9. K.S.


    Well, I'm glad I never told him anything about my past. We really did break up, and I feel OK about it and I'm looking forward to meeting somebody new.

    He really is very, very sweet and handsome and successful, but I think maybe I made too much of the fact that he's not a jerk. I should consider his good qualities my bare minimum requirements and have faith that there are many, many other men out there who will be just as wonderful and be right for me.

    Somebody here called this my "transition" relationship, and they were right. I think my past stuff will matter less and less in my own mind. I'm not telling anyone until they love me, they tell me they love me, and they've proven to me that they love me. I'm glad I never told this guy, because, as sweet as he is, he didn't earn the right to knowing everything about me.

    Anyway, just thought I'd check back in and tell you how things have ended up. Thanks for being helpful. People may think it's strange that I asked you guys, but I really think you guys know what you're talking about, in your own kinda twisted ways.

  10. Tankcommander


    And don't forget self rightous bastards

    and crusaders too...

    KS, Hey, there are other fish in the sea...I'm not sure what that really means, but I hear it from everyone...LOL Starting from many here on the board...
    Stiff upper lip and all...
  11. K.S.


    You both raise very good points.
    Well, I do trust the posters here to give me good input. I don't judge them as incompetent or anything, even if I have my little prejudices about the serious hobbyists! I think the guys here have a lot of experience (being largely married) and they're honest about things, too. They're not all sugar coating everything.

    I don't mind that I'm being "public" about this because nobody here can actually hurt me. Sometimes there are people who will take what they've learned about me from my open posts and say things that are supposed to hurt me, but they don't often succeed. I'm not a completely "real" person to most of you, which I think makes it easier to talk to you guys about real problems.

    Anyway, this thread already existed from before, and I really liked all the concern and kindness that was shown earlier. Yesterday, I was just really upset and I wanted to talk to somebody. I didn't feel like talking to my real life friends because, well, I didn't. I may have to pester them and cry on their shoulders in the near future, but I didn't think I'd get any objective feedback from them.

    Well, I'm feeling much, much better today. I didn't have any of that nauseating "Shit it wasn't a nightmare" misery when I woke up this morning. I went out for brunch with friends this morning and actually enjoyed myself.

    I figure it's his problem. I know he loves me and it's a shame that he's going to be lonely and miserable. I can't fix him.

    I am definately skipping my annoyingly cheerful friend's Oscar party tonight, though. I just feel like working at my office today.


    [Edited by K.S. on 03-25-2001 at 04:45 PM]
  12. Hotpuppy

    Hotpuppy Mr.Butterworth

    I wouldnt be so quick to categorize the posters to this board, nor the level of importance to which they
    take this hobby. My experience in following threads and receiving feedback to my very occasional posts has led me to believe that the posters take themselves and this hobby very seriously indeed!
    As for the thread itself, I agree that this a questionable venue in which to seek relationship advice. One thing I find curious: One would think that KS would have formed friendships with clients from her days in the business that she could have corresponded with privately- if the advice of hobbyists is what she wanted. Why take this seemingly difficult and painful transition relationship public? If I were the guy in question, this is what I would have a problem with , not the fact that KS used to escort.
  13. Richardrzhpippin


    relationship advice?

    If you are looking for a relationship guide - I suggest looking for other sources. This group of hobbyists, reprobates, adulterers, and self-appointed experts on everything would not be my first choice, second or even third choices...LOL...

    Gentlemen, please don't use this banal and innocent post as a "raison d'etre" for a new crusade. We are all nice guys who spend thousands of dollars every year on "companionship" and "adventure." We then write about our adventures, offer ourselves as contemporary moralists, judges, advisors, therapists and consultants.
    I'm assuming you approach this pleasantly diverting recreational activity as do I.. a pleasant but undeniably unimportant hobby for fun and relaxation.

    [Edited by richardrzhpippin on 03-25-2001 at 07:22 PM]
  14. Slinky Bender

    Slinky Bender The All Powerful Moderator

    I have some bad news for you. You're totally normal. I also have some worse news for you. So's he.
  15. HornDogBuddah


    KS: you've been over and over this same territory inside your head. Very clearly, you're in touch with how you feel about him and very clearly you've got great insights into who he is, how he is, and how and why you interact with him. So, enough with the self talk and metaanalysis. DO what your brain is telling you to do. Forget whether it's right or wrong, or how things might turn out. Just do it.

    I've never met you, but I know you have qualities that few women (or men) can bring to the table -- articulate intelligence, analytical thinking, sense of humor, strong spirit, and a positive attitude towards lust and sexual adventure. Since you've been a successful provider, you're probably pretty attractive (maybe very much so?). And, no doubt, you have a certain talent for pleasuring (and being pleasured).

    In other words, you be one luscious, hot mamma whose abilities aren't circumscribed by bedsheets.

    So, get up on your two hind legs and go find someone who is worthy. Someone who will do unto you as you want to be done unto.
  16. frog


    KS, if he's worth pursuing, then you should pursue.
  17. K.S.


    I almost got dumped/broke up with today, and I'm kinda numb now.

    He's thinking about jobs in other states. After never fighting for all 7 months, I found myself miserable and watching myself become a Weepy Pain In The Ass over the past week.

    My boyfriend is very kind and sweet, but a bit of a geeky loner. He fears commitment - never been in love and he's 38 years old.

    I know, I know... I should RUN. But, we made it longer than any of his other relationships, and it seemed that he was falling in love with me. Hell, he told me he was (while we were drinking, and in a bantering way, not as a mushy declaration.) He also told me that he did love me a couple of weeks ago, but it was after he asked me how I felt about him and I told him I loved him.

    This is what he told me this morning: that it's only going to be worse, later, if we wait to break up. He thought about whether or not he could see himself asking me to marry him and he said that no, he couldn't because the same things he likes about me are sometimes offputting to him. (I'm an extroverted, high-strung livewire, and he's well, emotionally constipated and moody.) Now he says he's not sure that he does love me. He cried and said that he was unhappy because he doesn't want to be alone and he'll miss me.

    So, he started to drive me home, and then I cried some more and he turned around and we went and got pork sandwiches at Tony Luke's and went back to his house to eat.

    I'd told myself that if we broke up, I wouldn't let him see me cry. But, I did. A lot. It really, really hurt. I didn't want to let go of him - I just buried my face in his lap and got snot all over him and clung to him.

    I cried the way little kids do when they want candy at the supermarket and their moms won't give it to them. Sometimes, I even laughed at myself while I was crying. Like, all I had to say for myself was "BUT I WANT IT!!!" I felt stupid.

    Then, I ended up doing something I really thought was stupid, but I couldn't help myself - I started telling him why he should want to be with me. I said "Don't you want someone to be in your corner, loving you?" I felt pathetic, but it's true. It's how I've always felt about him. I just want to love him and be sweet to him.

    He looked really distraught, then he said "OK, here's a plan. We don't break up. We go to bed, because I'm tired, and then I have to take you home because I want to get a lot of work done."

    I'm not sure if he was kidding, or if he really was thinking about how he could get more work done or if I wore him down or what.

    We had very good make-up nookie, though, and plenty of cuddling. He seemed quite happy when he drove me home.

    Now that I'm away from him, I'm thinking that I should have just let him break up with me. If he missed me that much, he would have called me and we could have gotten back together later. One thing I'm still pretty OK with: If we do break up for real, I won't be kicking myself, wondering "What's the matter with me." I figure it's all his problem if he doesn't love me.

    Thank you for your patience. Sorry to dump so much on you all.
  18. HornDogBuddah


    Sorry, TnS, but I've got to disagree with you. While I think KS is correct to be concerned over where her telling or not telling will lead, there is a very important downside to telling him something that he has explicitly stated that he doesn't want nor need to hear. When you think about it in that light, the pain and hurt that disclosure might cause would be gratuitous because he has already said that he does not want to discuss it. (To me, that in itself is a clue that he DOES know where she is leading him, he acknowledges and discards it, and wants to put it behind them.)

    KS wants her relationship to be honest, valid, and real. She wants her future to be based upon solid foundation, not slippery misrepresentations. She is concerned that because she knows something about her past that, for argument's sake, he does not (but, as I said, there is the very real possibility that he is fully aware of what she was trying to tell him), she will be entering into a marriage that has falsity as part of its underpinnings. I think she (and he) will be best served if she is prepared to fully disclose but will truly accept his decision that he does not want such disclosure.

    KS: raising one's voice is not so bad; deliberately saying hurtful things is. Owning your own beliefs is crucially important to giving weight to the feedback that you provide during disagreements --> arguments --> fights. Expressing how you feel because of his behavior(s) is valid and absolutely right. That's the way rational, intelligent, emotionally mature boyz and girlz interact.

    I don't know you, but I suspect that you know this stuff better than I.
  19. TuckernotSucker



    Tell him. Tell him now. He must take you for what you were and what you are now. Dont wait until you are sooo in love with him that it would kill you if he left you.
    I know, I have been there. Be honest. It will hurt him and if he loves you his hurt will heal. This is wise advise.
  20. boris



    Pretty fascinating thread. KS, I sympathize. It must be an agonizing thing. I think one reason there are a lot of threads about "falling for providers" and vice versa is that a lot of us on both sides firewall our hobby lives from our regular lives. The line crossing threads often seem have a subtext about the possibility of not having to live with that wall between the pay for fantasy and one's everyday emotional life.

    I do think the "wall" is the safer and for most saner way to go.

    I also think you actually got a lot of good advice here (even if it isn't unanimous). I am left with one lingering question though. You retired, are in a relationship with someone who doesn't overtly know, and you're back here across the wall in a sense to talk about it because you can't quite talk to him (at least not yet).
    It just kind of strikes me that you really want to talk about your other past. It strikes me that you, as an individual aren't the G. Gordon Liddy type. Should you as an individual be with someone who doesn't want to talk about it and who left your near confession in a kind of odd purgatory.
    The KS character here and on the boards is quite open, generally wants to talk to others openly. It's a lot of what makes you an attractive personality on these boards. It doesn't matter how brilliant or nice the guy is. I just wonder whether it's a fit for KS even if your other persona happens to present very differently?
    Five years from now would you want KS to still be on this board talking with us about things the other you can't talk about with your significant other? (sorry if the various persona references are a bit confusing, but I think you can still live a "square" life with edges that are a bit more rounded). Your past as KS seems to be very alive for you and there are signs that it's still important to you. It just doesn't seem like you want to sublimate it.