Jewish jokes

Discussion in 'Humor, Jokes, Etc.' started by genius, Mar 26, 2016.

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  1. rickoshay53

    rickoshay53

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    181
    Have you heard about the new horror movie about a JAP ?

    It's called "Debbie Does Dishes"
  2. WizardOfAhhs

    WizardOfAhhs

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    1,309
    Or neat, with a water back. (And no offense, but us Scots spell it whisky, without the e).
  3. Slinky Bender

    Slinky Bender The All Powerful Moderator

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    Try telling someone with two fingers of whiskey is.
    MayorSimpleton likes this.
  4. WizardOfAhhs

    WizardOfAhhs

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    1,309
    Only those of us who've been drinking for 30 or more years would even know what a fifth is. Just hearing it reminds me of the toast we used to make every Fourth of July: "He who goes forth with a fifth on the fourth, shall not go forth on the fifth."
  5. po10ial

    po10ial

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    A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

    “Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

    The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”

    “What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.

    “I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.

    “What did he say?” asked the man.

    He said, “Funny you should come to me...”
    MayorSimpleton, genius, vad1 and 3 others like this.
  6. NankerPheldge

    NankerPheldge

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    54
    Why do Jews make great Linebackers?

    They always want to get the Quarterback
  7. iwantagoodhj247

    iwantagoodhj247

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    512
    Well yes, he's the best thing about the movie, but, see slinky sort of told Rocco's joke? I'll have a coke...? That's all I was pointing out...
    TheRicker likes this.
  8. boneengineer

    boneengineer

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    377
    Great movie....wilem defoe kills it
    iwantagoodhj247 likes this.
  9. richlor

    richlor

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    158
    A blonde a brunette and a redhead go to the bar. The bartender says "I am psychic give me a hint and I will guess your drink. If I don't guess it the drink is on the house." . So he asks the brunette what she will have and she says I will have a tool. The bartender says one screwdriver coming up. He then asks the redhead what she would like. She says I will have an island. The bartender say one long island iced tea on the way. The then asks the blonde what will it be ma'am, the blonde says I will have a fifteen. The bartender stands there and for the life of him can't figure it out. He says ok I give up what is it and she says it's a seven and seven.
  10. iwantagoodhj247

    iwantagoodhj247

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    512
    Anyone ever see Boondock Saints?
    TheRicker likes this.
  11. Slinky Bender

    Slinky Bender The All Powerful Moderator

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    19,928
    There's a redneck, a black man and a Mexican walking on a beach and they come along a magic lamp so they rub it and a genie springs forth and tells them he will grant them each one wish. The black man goes first and says "My wish is that all my peoples be transported back to Africa from this cursed land."

    The genie replies "your wish will be granted."

    Next the Mexican steps up and says "That is a great idea. I too wish my peoples be transported back to Mexico from this cursed land."

    Again the genie replies "your wish will be granted."

    Next the redneck steps up and says "Let me get this straight: all the blacks are going back to Africa and all the Mexicans are going back to Mexico? I'll have a Diet Coke please."
  12. Nutty Irishman

    Nutty Irishman

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    171
    I got some good news and I got some bad news!
    The bad news is that aliens landed in California!
    The good news is that they eat minority’s, piss gasoline and are headed east!
  13. Ammodyte

    Ammodyte

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    39
    How was the Grand Canyon formed?

    (A Scotchman lost a penny)

    ---------------------------------------------

    What is a Japs favorite sexual position?


    (Facing Bloomingdales)

    ------------------------------------------------

    SB understands my sensibilities perfectly!
    Lick the ashtray, and see if you agree with me about "bad taste."
  14. Slinky Bender

    Slinky Bender The All Powerful Moderator

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    19,928
    What's the difference between a Jewish American princess and the Bermuda Triangle?

    The Bermuda Triangle swallows seamen.

    What do you get if you cross a jewish-american princess with a PC?

    A system that never goes down.

    How was copper wire invented?
    Two Jews fighting over a penny.

    Now one for Ammodyte:

    How do you fit 22 Jews in a Volkswagen?

    Either throw a nickel in the backseat, or......
    Two in the front, two in the back, and 18 in the ashtray.
  15. Nutty Irishman

    Nutty Irishman

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    171
    What do you call a Jewish Princess with a yeast infection?

    Wine and cheese!
  16. MayorSimpleton

    MayorSimpleton

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    409
    What is an Irish 7 course meal?
    A six pack and a potato.
    LIwaste and Nutty Irishman like this.
  17. mikede

    mikede

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    885
    This was originally a Sophie Tucker joke and Bette Midler says it (much better) :) in her solo show.
  18. Nutty Irishman

    Nutty Irishman

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    171
    Why even have a joke thread if ppl can’t take a joke?!?

    Hey! You know what you find when you get four Irishmen together?

    A Fifth! Lol

    Lighten up guys!! Nutty
    The Exiled and Slinky Bender like this.
  19. Nutty Irishman

    Nutty Irishman

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    171
    Who hasn’t heard of the finest Italian Portland footwear ?!?

    But do you know why God invented the wheel barrow that the cement is mixed in?

    To teach Italians to walk upright!!
  20. genius

    genius

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    7,617
    Floats? Haven't you ever heard about Italian made cement shoes?