Joke Time!

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Carl M, Mar 7, 2001.

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  1. donquixote04

    donquixote04

    Messages:
    2,174
    what would you do if i died?

    wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

    husband: Definitely not!

    wife: Why not? Don't you like being married?

    husband: Of course I do.

    wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

    husband: Okay, I'd get married again.

    wife: You would? (hurtful look on her face)

    husband: (groans)

    wife: Would you live in our house?

    husband: I guess so ... it's a good house.

    wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

    husband: Where else would we sleep?

    wife: Would you let her drive my car?

    husband: Probably -- it's still pretty new.

    wife: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

    husband: That would seem to be the right thing to do.

    wife: Would she use my golf clubs?

    husband: No, she's left-handed.

    wife: (silence)

    husband: Fuck!
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2010
  2. jonnygomez

    jonnygomez

    Messages:
    201
    engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

    Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

    God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

    Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

    God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

    =================================================

    What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
    Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
  3. daengman

    daengman

    Messages:
    3,493
    Spike Mulligan was the author of the funniest joke ever, scientists say.

    A Mulligan joke from an old BBC show was the most popular of 40,000 jokes submitted and voted on over the internet by 300,000 people from 60 nations.


    Here's the joke as displayed on www.laughlab.co.uk/winner.html which did the scientific study:


    A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."


    There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.


    He says: "OK, now what?"
  4. genius

    genius

    Messages:
    7,220
    George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
    He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him "I don't know what
    to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you.
    But
    you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to
    do.
    I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let
    one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU
    decide
    who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

    The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
    pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and
    over and over such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't
    think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all
    day long."

    The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
    sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer,
    time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my
    shoulder.
    I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
    day!"commented George.

    The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
    naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs
    staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
    doing what she does best.
    Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I
    can handle this."

    The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
  5. biglarry1

    biglarry1

    Messages:
    4,743
    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
    As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

    The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
    the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
    A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
    be $10.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
    out the exact change for payment.

    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
    "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says,
    "I'll have the same."

    Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
    "The usual?" asks the waitress.

    "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
    and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

    A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,
    "That will be $21.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out
    of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
    "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with
    the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

    "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
    and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and
    offered me two wishes.

    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
    I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount
    of money would always be there."


    "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
    million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
    want for as long as you live!"

    "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
    exact money is always there," says the man.

    The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
    The man sighs, pauses, and answers...

    "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs...
    who agrees with everything I say.
  6. jonnygomez

    jonnygomez

    Messages:
    201
    Living Will

    While watching the NCAA playoff games last weekend, my wife and I got into a
    conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

    During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to
    exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids
    from a bottle.

    She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

    Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.
  7. justbill_redux

    justbill_redux King Missile

    Messages:
    3,923
    So Three Guys Are Sitting In An Airplane

    George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.

    The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

    The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

    Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

    The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 6 billion people unbelievably happy."
  8. NoName2

    NoName2

    Messages:
    135
    What did the woman on the beach say to Michael Jackson?

    Get out of my son
  9. justbill_redux

    justbill_redux King Missile

    Messages:
    3,923
    A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot
    bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks
    him, What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, etc.
    The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He
    decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around,
    and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the
    drink and? asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "100."
    Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
    NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, etc. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him and asks,
    "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "30."
    And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Bush again?"
  10. biglarry1

    biglarry1

    Messages:
    4,743
    The Donkey


    The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.


    The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


    The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.


    This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.


    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


    The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.


    The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.


    This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


    The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.


    The bishop was buried the next day...
  11. bagleel1

    bagleel1

    Messages:
    32
    Did you hear what happened to the guy in the horrific car crash?
    He lost his left arm and his left leg.
    He's all right.
  12. Jarhead

    Jarhead

    Messages:
    939
    Mongers code of honor.

    Friendship among women:

    A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she
    tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house.
    The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them
    know about it.



    Friendship among men:

    A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he
    tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The
    woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of
    them say he did sleep over and two claim he's still
    there
  13. Cooldude

    Cooldude

    Messages:
    4
    Good one

    Why is Sperm Donation more expensive than Blood Donation?

    Coz its Handmade.......
  14. Spawn

    Spawn

    Messages:
    4,466
    BANK ACCOUNT

    On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.

    This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

    Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a drunken state. He explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

    THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM!

    You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut...
  15. Yankee Curse

    Yankee Curse

    Messages:
    563
    This one was worth repeating.

    Why do Yanker fans never get blowjobs?

    Because THEY suck!
  16. Spawn

    Spawn

    Messages:
    4,466
    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
    "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
    Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

    The man said, "you can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."

    The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
    All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

    The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home".

    The remaining canidate was a woman. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

    She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.
    Then, there was screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

    After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
    And said: "This gun was loaded with blanks, I had to beat him to death with the chair".
  17. daengman

    daengman

    Messages:
    3,493
    Question: How are Micheal Jackson and caviar alike?

    (see answer below)

































    Answer: They both come on little white crackers.
  18. redleg609

    redleg609

    Messages:
    2,098
    are you a woman?

    19 Surefire ways to know you're a Woman

    1. You are a Bitch.

    2. When asked 'Is something bothering you?' reply 'no' then get pissed off when you are believed.

    3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior..

    4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

    5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say 'It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend.' when you mean 'It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!'

    6. Whine

    7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.

    8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.

    9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

    10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

    11. Complain

    12. Hate any bar he likes

    13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.

    14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life (also, see number 7).

    15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible 16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

    17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.

    18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.

    19. Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.
  19. genius

    genius

    Messages:
    7,220
    Little Johnny says his prayers every night just before he goes to sleep. Its always this way: God bless my mommy, God bless my daddy, God bless my grandma, God bless my grandpa and then he hops into bed.

    Well, his mother says to her husband “I’ve been watching him every night – how about you do it for a few nights?” Sure he says – I’ll just stand outside his room and make sure he says them.

    So the next night Little Johnny says” God bless my mommy, God bless my daddy. God bless my grandma, and goodbye to my grandpa, and then he hops into bed.

    Very strange he thinks, but even stranger is the next day he gets a call at work saying Grandpa died of a heart attack.

    So next night Little Johnny says” God bless my mommy, God bless my daddy and goodbye grandma and then he hops into bed.

    Sure enough, the next day he comes home from work and finds out grandma died in a car accident.

    So the next night he is very attentive. That night Little Johnny says” God bless my mommy and goodbye to my daddy, and then he hops into bed.

    He cant sleep all night, when he goes off to work he is so upset his socks and shoes don’t match. He takes the safer car to work and takes the roads with the lowest speed limits. All day he is waiting for his fate. He finally gets home and with a sigh of relief says to to his wife “You won’t believe the awful day I had today – worst one in my life.

    Oh yeah, his wife says – well today the mailman slipped on the ice on our walk right in front of me broke his neck and died.
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2005
  20. Jarhead

    Jarhead

    Messages:
    939
    The Rabbi

    The Internal Revenue Service sent their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi.

    "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

    "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

    "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

    "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

    "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the IRS ".

    " The IRS?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

    "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "The IRS ...and then every few years, they send us a little prick to harrass us."