Open Letter to the Emperor

Discussion in 'NJ/NY/CT Massage / Spa' started by metellier, Jan 25, 2003.

Draft saved Draft deleted
  1. metellier

    metellier Two time offender

    Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

    I thought Tommy Franks, took care of this guy. But today, I
    checked my frequently desecrated yahoo account and among the debt consolidation offers, on-line viagra sales pitches, and "totally free" cheerleaders/farm animal websites I find this:

    To: Michel Etellier,
    Canadian Idiot, First Class

    Former President for Life & Future Cab Driver
    I'm not telling you where,
    Maybe Baghdad, Maybe Not
    Steadily Shrinking Republic of Iraq

    Greetings. Allah es akbhar and all that camel shit..

    Hey Etellier:


    How come you no respond to SADDAM? You still stuck up or someding?
    You afraid Mr.Slinky Bender ban you again for back-channel??
    You afraid of bigshot Mr. John Ass-cropped?

    Saddam got favor to, Saddam mean: FAVOR TO DEMAND.
    Saddam little short on cash right $650 million
    got Paypal, 1/2 Froggie?
    You live near Western Union maybe?
    Maybe you can front Saddam leedle "seed money"? leedle "walkin'
    around cash"?

    Nuthin' big...few hundred dousand dinars ought to do the treeck.

    Saddam got more nuse for you, Canada boy: Four dings:

    (1) I GOT MONG MONG and eets $650 million to get her back.
    Tell your horney American "dining at da y" friends to come up with
    and put in brown paper bag. Leave near 25 Allen Street. Saddam
    will arrange. Mong Mong make good human shield.

    (2) I GOT DARO too. Eets $650 million or Saddam will release him.
    Same instructions as above, you snail-eating homosexual.

    (3) No number three. Wha? Saddam is fuckin' bartender? You
    want buy-back, you 1/2 Mick alcoholic sononbeach? Hey,
    dough dey say Saddam is murder boy and totalitarian and torturer
    and rapist and all around nasty guy, NOBODY ever saw me
    drunk!! More dan Saddam can say for you, fucking 1/2 Mick
    booze-guzzling fairy! No, Saddam don't have Helen...dat's
    anudder story for anudder day...

    (4) Saddam lonely. Everybody gone. Nobody can play with.
    Stuck here wid two idiot kids of mine. Dey got nobody to rape and
    torture but each other.
    Not good for child development- Saddam knows dis. Both of dem
    way behind grade reading level. Starting to look like community
    college is best Saddam can do since Saddam University got
    bombed out...oy, the vorries of a concerned parent...ya got
    no idea, 1/2 froggie.

    --I don't mean just about "the vorries of a concerned parent"..
    I mean ya got no idea at all!! Hey, Saddam make good joke
    like Cloud Eight, no?

    What Saddam was saying...oh yeah, sorry you Canadian head of dick

    One more ding. Okay. So dat's five dings. So I what..
    Ya gonna bomb me??

    Saddam need to raise cash to pay for dat taxi medallion and
    two tuitions at community college now...
    Anybody on UG can buy antiquities? I know you made review
    of old Chinese whore...dis is same ding. I got whadever you
    want...sculptures..paintings...rugs...old copies of Mesopotamian
    "Screw" written on clay tablets-- did you know "Jackie Park"
    was advertising back in Sumerian days? Amazing what Saddam
    learn from reading ancient porno. For example: the Whore of
    Babylon? Basically Korean bait and switch outcall operation...


    Saddam got call from Terrik Aziz. Remember him, Etellier? My
    "big shot because I speak English" Foreign Minister wid dem
    funky-ass Sandy Becker-style "hambone" coke bottle eyeglasses!!

    Anyvay, Americans asking him all kind of qvestion about Saddam.
    Like he know someding...dis moron who tells Saddam "Oh, don't vorry,
    Mr. President for Life, dey never attack" Fucking idiot bastard.
    Remind me of you, 1/2 froggie...BUT I FUCKING DIGRESS AGAIN...

    Anyvay, here is questions silly Americans asking to Aziz to try to
    find Saddam:

    "Which address?"
    "On Allen or Howard?"
    "On the left or right"
    "Bell or buzzer?"
    "What color door?"
    "Second floor"
    "whadya get?"
    "Was Sinatra dere? Billy Joel?"
    "Can a gweilo sample?"
    "BBBJ? F/S? HJ? DATY? 69?"
    "Whadya pay?"
    "Whadya tip?"
    "Choose or assigned?"
    "What size cans?"


    OK. Back to you 1/2 frog bastard.YOU F-CKIN CANADIAN INFIDEL!

    In the event that you or any of your erstwhile counterparts who
    frequent the often entertaining and thoroughly informative Utopia
    Guide Spa Forums, may be interested in any of the items
    described herein, we will be pleased to send you our full
    catalogue as well as a buyer's guide to antiquities purchasing...

    sounding like....antique salesman...vat's next for Saddam?
    Judy Garland records? Dance classes? Ballet? Hanging out in
    packing district? Speaking French? Watching 'Queer As Folk"
    and understanding whole ding? Rooting for rapists on "Oz"?

    Well, if it gets me through da perimeter check, worth try, no?


    XoXoXo (ALL MY LOVE)

    I AM STILL SADDAM! (part-time at the moment)

    PS. Give my hate to all your Americans but my love to Mr.Slinky.


    To Slinky:
    From: Etellier

    Friend in need, ey? Should we pass the hat?
    Whaddaya say?

    Michel "Gotta get entirely new yahoo account" Etellier
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2003
  2. metellier

    metellier Two time offender

    Anytime, Anthony2 ole boy...

    ...but I may need ya to explain the jokes to some of our more
    humor-impaired UG brothers...

    "Checking on medallion & black car pricing" Etellier
  3. anthony2


    Mettellier - That last letter was fucking hilarious! I needed a good laugh. Thanks!
  4. metellier

    metellier Two time offender

    I really hope this is the last one he sends...

    Just checked my often-abused yahoo account and among the spam
    found this:

    To: Michel Etellier,
    Canadian Idiot

    President for Life (or At Least Until 11:OO PM)
    3rd & Main Street,
    "Booming" Baghdad
    Steadily Shrinking Republic of Iraq

    Greetings. Allah es akbhar and all that crap...

    Hey Etellier:


    How come you no respond to SADDAM? You stuck up or someding?
    You afraid Mr.Slinky ban you again for back-channel??


    Holy camel dung!!! What was dat? Mohammed- go outside & check...
    I said NOW you afraid of dark?? Mohammed,
    allahdamn it...

    OK. Back to you 1/2 frog bastard.YOU F-CKIN CANADIAN INFIDEL!

    OK. OK. You tell Mr.Bender 6 dings from me, SADDAM:

    (1) Forget about Baghdad Board. I give up. No need anymore.
    We got no electric, no water, no baby oil...we got nothing.
    Forget latex. We got nothing. No Board now. Eeees OK.

    (2) OK. OK. I give up password to 412 Howard & 25 Howard
    eef you stop dis noisy bombing. I am only gweilo
    wid dis kinda information.....SADDAM losing beauty sleep wid all
    dis boom boom.


    Cheeseandcrackers!! Godfrey Daniels!! Sonuvabiscuit!! Sunondabeach!!
    (SADDAM's ESL lessons paying off, no?)

    What was dat one? Sounds like upstairs...Mohammed, go check upstairs.
    Near wife #23's bedroom someplace maybe...

    What Saddam was saying...oh yeah, sorry you Canadian head of dick,

    (3) Dere is no number three!!!! Again Saddam pull camel skin over
    your eyes!!!

    (4) Question for you, infidel Canada-boy.
    How much down and how much per month for taxi medallion in
    NYC? No, not for SADDAM...uh, for a friend of a friend of mine...

    (5) Eef, just eef, SADDAM was to visit NYC wery wery soon, you
    recommend Aria or WGS? Need info queeeck. Like now.

    (6) I AM SADDAM!

    XoXoXo (ALL MY LOVE)


    The guy seems sincere.

    Whaddaya say?

    "Always willing to give a 14th chance to a fellow human being" Etellier
  5. metellier

    metellier Two time offender

    Thanks, Dondee & Waist Product...

    " Etellier......please don't take this in a bad do know that they have treatments for people with your affliction.
    Get help there son! " (*)

    " Its called decapitation" (**)

    I'm sure that Saddam appreciates the rave reviews.

    I think that all of these characters (Akihito, Kim Jong Il,
    Vladmir Putin, George Washington, Bertie Ahern, Saddam Hussein,
    John Ashcroft, et. al) who are trying to use me as a
    medium to communicate with the Almighty
    (Slinky, not the other Almighty) shows all of us at UG
    three things:

    (1) Being a foreign or national leader (alive or dead or almost
    dead like Saddam) is no fun because you can't sign up with UG
    under your own name and they all have too much ego to
    sign up with a handle;

    (2) There is no number 2 (see Saddam's post above for logic);

    (3) Maybe next time Slinky bans me, the Security Council
    will have to hold a meeting to pick one of their own to join UG.
    (short straw wins)

    In the meanwhile,as they told me when I got drafted,
    "Relax, sit back & enjoy the war".

    A bientot a tout mes amis,
    (in English: "smoke 'em if ya got 'em)


    (*) don't take in a bad way? I think a group intervention might help.
    Like maybe Asscon.

    (**) Decapitation! How beautifully French- we know about this
    kind of stuff!
    --Why do you think we invented that shampoo for
    guillotined aristocracts: "Head & Shoulders"?
    --Who do think invented the phrase: "Lady Di, don't lose your head over it"
    --Where do you think the idiomatic expression :"Head on over here"
    came from?

    C'est tout les produits du France!! The original way to lose 40 LBS.
    of ugly fat... decapitation.

  6. Waist Product

    Waist Product

    Its ca,lled decapitation
  7. Dondee

    Dondee Herbie, DDS

    Etellier......please don't take this in a bad do know that they have treatments for people with your affliction.

    Get help there son! :D
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2003
  8. metellier

    metellier Two time offender

    I had a bad feeling this was coming...

    Just downloaded from my often-abused yahoo account:
    This guy sounds pissed!

    To: Michel Etellier,
    Canadian Idiot

    President for Life or At Least Until Tonight
    3rd & Main Street,
    "Booming" Bagdad
    Republic of Iraq

    Greetings. Allah es akbhar and all that crap...

    Hey Etellier:




    You listen hard and you listen good. You tell Mr. Slinky Bender
    eess OK. I don't need no stinking Baghdad Board anymore.
    EES OK. Don't worry about.

    And you tell Mr. Slinky Bender 4 more dings from Saddam;

    (1) We intercepted text of Bush speech. Real reason for invasion
    not "welfare of Iraqi people" and
    not "weapon of massive construction"
    and not even our oil fields-

    You tell Mr. Slinky Bender for Saddam "I am sorry about trying to
    do back-channel communication wid udder UG members about 25
    Howard. EES just that I already executed everybody in Iraq who
    ever visited USA and I need the secret password. 25 Howard
    harder to get into than Saddam's bunker!!

    Please tell Mr. Slinky Bender to tell his boy on the Washington
    DC Board, Mr. Bush, to stop bombing Saddam. Never do again!
    Promise. I cross Hans Blix and hope to die. I swear on Mohammed
    Faraday's eyes.

    (2) There is no number two. SADDAM HAS OUTSMARTED YOU AGAIN!!

    (3) Eef Mr. Slinky Bender does not help Saddam, any chance I
    can get asylum with you guys? I can be moderator of Harem
    Board for free. Saddam do good job. I am personal friend of
    Persian Kitty.
    Bush say Saddam have rape room in basement. THIS IS LIE.
    Ees for quality control and monitoring at Spas in Baghdad.
    Ask Hans Blix. He inspected at least 40 times for chemical
    weapons and what he find????
    Baby oil!

    (4) I AM SADDAM!

    XoXoXo (ALL MY LOVE)

    Slinky,it seems hopeless to rid these guys. I think they
    wrote my contact info on a wall at the UN.

  9. Jack_Maehoffer


    Frogster writes all this BS:

    and my post about asian pneumonia killing people gets yanked off like my putz at closing time-Go figure...
  10. metellier

    metellier Two time offender

    It's getting blase...

    the way these "celebrities" pass around my yahoo account. After I got
    banned, I was afraid to check it. But since I am in an employer- inspired
    "clean out your desk, you f--kin' frog" mood, Here's what was in the


    To: Mr. Michel Etellier
    Canadian Idiot

    From: Taosaech Bertie Ahern,
    Prime Minister,
    Republic of Ireland

    Dear Mr. Etellier:

    Dhia dhuit. Conas ta tu?

    Sure'n Saddam and Putin and Kim Jong Il and tat Jap emperor Aki told
    me tat you'd be da right bucko to send ta if'n its UG you're wantin' to
    get on. I'm not allowed ta join meself, ya see, due to some kinda European
    Union fine print we didn't read when we signed up with all d'udder
    bastards. Nevermore nevermind...

    So's Michel. Is it Michel? Bittova haffa fag, are ya with a name like dat?
    In any event, Michel, I unnerstand ya ta be half-*****? Dat right, me boyo?
    Cheez, tinka tat...foine ***** girl molested, raped and probably worse
    by a bleedin'' for what? Ta produce the loikes of you? Cheese and
    crackers! D'ere's no justice in life at all, at all...

    But I digress, ya sonuva biscuit name got me all riled dere for a minute.
    Anyhow, ya see, Michel. Da reason I'm writin ya is dat dere's dis problem,
    ya see and I was hopin, dis bein' St.Patrick's Day and all and you bein'
    half a Mick, ya see, dat ya might be able ta see what ya can do?

    Da problem is dat eros, ya know. I'm seachin' and searchin' and dere's not
    a single whore in da whole of Ireland for rent. Can ya believe dis? And we
    call ourselves a civilized country? Chrissake, we even got da Euro!

    Not a one. Seems when St.Patrick drove out da snakes, they took more
    dan a couple of whores with 'em. And now we're bereft and bewildered.

    T'isn't good and wid me being the Prime Minister and all, I was hopin' ya
    could scout 'round Howard Street or out in Flushing or, God forbid, Jersey
    ta see if any of da providers might be amenable to a change in scenery?

    Lush, rollin' meadows. Crystal clear lakes. Lotsa horney bastards and no
    competition whatsoever. I mean, da women dere are no competition- you've seen da level of women we produce. Dey're like, well like guys!!

    Since we cleaned out da country by exportin' the likes of your ancestors,
    we got room, me bucko! Visa? We don't need no stinkin' visas! Taxes?
    Ah, what's a couple of shillings amongst friends. Kleenex? Got dat.
    Baby oil? Got dat too. Condoms? Ah, well Michel, dat dey'd have to bring
    inta the country...but I promise ta tell customs as Shannon ta look da udder way!

    So whaddaya say, me 1/2-Mick bucko? Deals a deal? Do it for all dem
    ancestors a yours dat couldn't find an R&T anywhere in 32 counties and
    were forced to emigrate for religious persecution, economic deprivation
    and sheer horniness!

    Good boy. Lookin' forward ta da first arrivals. I'll tell da boys at da parade
    today its a deal. Knew I could count on ya. I gotta hurry as I'm five pints
    behind the udders.

    Tanks and best regards,

    Bertie Ahern

    PS. Da ya think ya could get dis Mong Mong everybody's talkin' after?
    She sounds dedicated.


    In view of the holiday and all, can we give Prime Minister Ahern diplomatic
    stupidity or something?

  11. justme

    justme homo economicus

    Might as well be me, as long as things keep going John's way wrt civil liberties, I'm sure it's just a matter of time before they get me.
  12. metellier

    metellier Two time offender

    Dammit! I knew they were monitoring this board!

    Got this in today's yahoo:


    To: Michel Etellier
    NY NY

    From: John Ashcroft
    Attorney General of the United States of America
    Department of Justice
    Washington, DC

    Re: Appointment for Interview

    Dear Mr. Etellier:

    It has come to my attention through unnamed sources that you have
    been in recent contact with 2/3 of the Axis of Evil, namely: Saddam
    Hussein and Kim Jong Il as evidenced by your posting of these communications, along with others from Vladmir Putin, the Emperor
    of Japan, and deceased revolutionary George Washington on the
    Spa Board of Utopia Guide.

    Please be aware that our offices, as well as those of the Department of
    Homeland Security, take a dim view of foreigners in our country who
    correspond with other foreigners and with dead Americans and then
    post such communications in flagrant violation of the Smith Act, the
    Palmer Act, the Patriot Act I, Patriot Act II (starring Mel Gibson) and, if
    we can find a copy somewhere, probably the Alien and Sedition Acts.

    It has also come to my attention that you attended a Mets game last
    year in which you repeatedly shouted support for Al Queda or maybe
    it was Al Leiter.
    Anyway, that's close enough for us.

    It has also come to my attention that you are not American, but are
    the holder of a C-I Visa (Canadian Idiot, First Class) and this may
    entitle you to an all expenses-paid visit of undeterminate duration to
    our new hotel, spa and resort located in tropical, sunny Cuba.

    You are hereby ordered to do the following:

    #1) appear at our offices Monday, March 3, 2003 with the following

    (a) copies of all correspondence between you and anyone else you have
    ever written to, gotten correspondence from, gotten a birthday card
    from, received a dunning letter from, and anything else we can think of

    (b) the complete names, addresses, telephone numbers, social security
    numbers, dates and places of birth of everyone you have ever met in
    your whole life

    (c) all your property and money; and

    (d) toothpaste, razor, and change of jammies. It's a long flight to Gitmo.

    #2) Do not post this nor any other communications from this office

    #3) Submit all dossiers, files and innuendos you have on any five people that
    you are willing to turn over to us in order to let your Canadian ass off
    the hook. We have a particular interest in an operative using the code name
    slinky or stinky vendor (or something like that- close enough for us)

    #4) Furnish us with complete information concerning the location, contacts,
    passwords and other pertinent information required for me to get into
    412 Howard and/or Asscon.

    Look forward to meeting you and have a nice day.

    John Ashcroft


    whaddawe gonna do? They sound serious. Should I give up sexpert,
    haamx, justme, popeye, or dieforasian?

  13. justme

    justme homo economicus

    Everything always gets back to dead presidents.
  14. JackT


    Re: I think my yahoo account is haunted...

    So I guess that line about being "endowed" by their Creator is not true, huh?
  15. Dondee

    Dondee Herbie, DDS

    My Dear Fellow..... thinks its time you considered some professional help...and I do NOT mean any professionals who frequent this board.

    (but keep it up ---- way too funny ---- even for a warped mind)
  16. metellier

    metellier Two time offender

    I think my yahoo account is haunted...

    Received 2/20/03, 7:30 PM EST in my yahoo account:
    To: Michel Etellier,
    Canadian Idiot
    NY NY

    From: George Washington,
    Valhalla, Level 6
    Gate of Heaven Apartments, Unit 1732
    Way Beyond, 99999-9999

    Dear Mr. Etellier:

    My friends in the ethos inform me that you are a considered channel for making one's requests known to a wider audience among the still living,
    particularly I speak of the members of UG, some of whom are still living.

    Be this fact, I would appreciate your kind consideration in assisting the
    Father of your Country- oh, I see your address is Canadian. Canada...a
    lovely country, Monsieur Etellier. We invaded it twice during the revolution, you know. Lovely.
    Full of Tories and spies and loyalists,escaped slaves and, worse of all:

    Fucking bunch of faggots, you all. I don't know why Franklin couldn't stay out
    of the whorehouse long enough and stay sober long enough to include CANADA in that rat-ass treaty. F'kin English were dyin' to get out...we coulda taken Goddamn Scotland and they wouldna' cared. King George would've signed anything, nutcase. Piece of shit country...that Cana-

    Ah yes, I'm sorry. As I was saying, concerning UG. I would like to correct
    some misconceptions for the UGers if I may be so bold:

    (1) Monday was not my birthday. That was merely a day off.

    (2) Saturday was not my birthday. I was born under the Julian calendar.

    (3) I personally do not care if you buy a car or a toaster or whatever because its' my birthday.

    (4) I object to first getting lumped with that dead Jewish president (*)
    into "Washington/Lincoln Day" and now getting dumped in with all
    the other idiots into "President's Week"! I gotta share a f'kin week
    with Chester Allan Arthur?

    (5) I never chopped down any cherry tree.

    (6) I did however bust some cherries.

    (7) I never "availed" myself to visit the slaves' quarters, for that we had
    Wendy in downtown. I understand she still gives massages in NY.
    (See another thread)

    (8) Tommy Jefferson, however, stayed at my house but not in my house,
    if ya follow my drift. All men created equal...not quite. He had a peanut
    and was overcompensating.

    (9) I never engaged in DATY. Well, once. But with Martha bitching about
    splinters from the wooden teeth, I gave it up.

    (10) I did not sleep betwixt two wenches to keep warm at Valley Forge.
    That was that Indian fakir Ghandi's act. I wasn't into doubles.

    (11) I wanted to free my slaves, but they were in my wife's name.

    (12) While living in NYC as first President, I never was able to get into
    33 Howard. Thought Jarhead or Dieforasian could help, but no go.

    (13) I am planning to haunt both Fraser and whoever cast him as me in that
    horrible TV movie last month. Benedict Arnold? Talk about traitorous!

    (14) "First in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen" don't
    cut it. How about something more earthy like "First in- RAW! First to
    grab a piece, first with the tarts of this country,man" or something.

    (15) Never tipped more than 5 pence, six shillings. If the cabin fee was
    1 pence, always lowered tip to compensate. Didn't wanna spoil 'em
    for future generations.

    (16) Did sleep at most of the places that say "George Washington slept
    here". Usually not alone, if you get my drift. What can I say, we had
    groupies then too.

    (17) Was not Father of this Country. Never had any kids of my own. I was
    careful, I wore a sheath. None of the Americans running around with
    my name, even you, Denzel, are related to me. Should've filed for
    trademark protection...wasn't thinking I'd be a franchise at the time.

    And finally, take heart UGers. Even after you depart your temporal existence,
    there is still hobbying. As was remarked in another thread "Heaven is a Spa"
    and there's no LE to spoil it and no door charge. They never stop to answer
    their cell phones. There is no and all the photos on are accurate.

    Hope to see you all soon,

    PS- Etellier, you Canadian faggot. Thanks for the use of your post.

    (*) Etellier's note:
    I think Washington refers to the circumstantial evidence that Lincoln was
    -he always wore a hat
    -he always wore black
    -his first name was Abraham
    -he was shot in the temple

    Etellier's plea to Slinky:

    Can UG consider a "dead zone" or other forum for these guys. It was bad enough before, but this is getting troubling.
  17. y2pgmr


    But with the current geo-political climate

    Should we consider an organized boycott of French and German products? Or maybe sanctions on North Korean goods? And what about the existing sanctions against Cuban imports?

    What a world of complications this could bring. Just think, having to ask to see a passport to keep from violating the sanctions!
  18. MrRandyDickSmit

    MrRandyDickSmit banned

    Where's the information on GATT?

    I want to know more about the Global Economic considerations under international agreement for the importation of product from markets other than Japan...? What the current status of importations from South Ameirca?

    This thread is crossing way to far into the GEO-Political...

    "Think Wall-Street Week not McNeil-Lerher..."
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2003
  19. y2pgmr


    Now I know why I like this site so much!!!

    As dry and warped a sense of humer as my own!!!
  20. justlooking


    I don't get it. Then what's all that talk about the fertile crescent?