Provider Question: What is Helpful To You When You Have Been Raped?

Discussion in 'General Industry Related Topics' started by Geezy Muldoon, May 1, 2001.

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  1. mercydancer


    Therapy.Therapy and more therapy. She is never going to get "over" it. There will always be that fear,hate,depression and lack of trust towards anything that resembles a man.
    Then comes the anger if the rapist goes unpunished,or if taking the case to court puts her in the position of having to prove how much of a "decent" human being she is that she did not somehow "deserve" this.That she was dressed too provocatively,that she spoke to this person or whatever else the defense wants to use against her.
    Then comes the dealing with a "normal" family life.That is usually the hardest part.The stress put upon the relationship is too often just too much to deal with. The man usually feels that he didn't do his JOB as a man to protect his family.And we all know how things go once a man starts to feel inadecuate in any way. If the rapist is never punished then comes the constant fear of both parts of it happening again.The overprotectiveness of children to the point that they become nervous wrecks.
    Being a biker, I live by a very distinct and different code of behavior.It is our firm belief that rapist and child molesters don't have a place on this earth.I'm not telling anyone to go out and comit an act of violence,but there has to be some sort of personal justice for life to resume some sort of normality. This could be joining some therapy group,taking self defense clases,whatever makes the person and her family feel that they have some sense of control.
    Personally, I prefer the good old wild west days, you know, an eye for an eye........
    My sister was raped 21 years ago and she still lives in fear.
  2. venita



    An incident happened to me when a man surreptiously removed his condom while I was participating in a swing scene. I felt an extreme violation from this. (He came inside me without my permission and against the rules of the place and against my own personal rules) I felt worse the next day and the next than on the original night it happened. I felt really dirty and violated from it. The only thing that made me feel better and lifted the whole depression I experienced (which was quite deep) was to report the man to the manager of the club. Somehow a relatively small act - - detailing the incident and complaining about the man, getting him in trouble and venting publically to a person who was in a position to stop this man from ever entering the club again, (as it were through, though a little e-mail,) was the thing that returned me to my usual positive mood. It's a self-esteem issue, in my opinion. One must empower oneself by fighting back and not being a passive victim.

    So my advise to the woman who was raped would be to go to the police and try to find the man, get him in trouble for it. Make a suit against him. I don't believe in vigilante justice; But going to the police or somehow getting the man back, no matter in how small a way, is the right thing for a person's mental health, imo. And also sends a message to the man that it might not be so easy to get away with the next time.

    If she cannot find the man who did it and get back at him I feel *really* sorry for her. In that case I would join a group therapy of woman rape victims - - that way I could bitch about what happened with people who understood. And go through it or work it out by talking, in a situation where there were other's facing the same trauma. I think it would take longer to get over if in some way one did not actively address what had happened.

    I think action rather than passivity is the way out.

    Perhaps volunteering to assist other rape victims is another venue of action that would help a woman emotionally, imo.

    Just one woman's opinion.


    you are most welcome

    it is my pleasure to reply.. I assumed from your letter that it might help to have a woman's opinion. blessings on her and a speedy recovery mentally and physically.. she will with good people in her corner like you..
  4. Geezy Muldoon

    Geezy Muldoon Gold


    Thank you very much for your reply.


    get her some help

    give her some space.. she should be part of a rape crisis group..
    I t will affect her for the rest of her life but much so less if she can talk about it while it is still fresh. the longer she holds it in the more damage is done..
    I am no stranger to this and i can tell you she needs to talk........... but sometimes a stranger is the best person.. because the husband represents intimacy and often the rape victim will see any attempt at closness as an attempt to be physical and may be rebuffed and hurt by her pushing him away while she see's it as a threat. his being close whether he is trying to be physical or not....

    Space, inpartial ear and love with no attempt to be physical unless she initiates it!..
    Rape crisis chat rooms help if anonimity is an issue for her.. if not the person to person open groups are GREAT! nice to know you are not alone kind of thing...

    Hope this helps you..
    Hugz and best wishes to your friends wife...
    I have an impartial ear if you need it ever ..
    Just write ok?
    long island dawn
  6. Geezy Muldoon

    Geezy Muldoon Gold


    [Edited by Judge Crater on 07-25-2001 at 05:40 PM]
  7. pswope

    pswope One out of three

    Ditto to Casper9's advice. The SO of a good friend was raped and both went into to counseling(seperately). While the relationship didn't survive,she,from what I understand,has been able to live a reasonably normal existence. Group therapy,after a period of regular one on one,was particuliarly effective.
  8. Ozzy


    those two friends stayed together for 5 yrs after that.
  9. beep9


    9 to one, baby, one to nine... Ozzy's friends are no longer together.

    Tell your friend that

    1.) Chances of the relationship surviving are, unfortunately, not good.
    2.) Get his wife/girlfriend to a reputable shrink (a crisis line should have a reference list)... presuming his she isn't already there.
    3.) Get his own ass to another shrink. Fast.
    4.) Prepare for a long difficult road. Both should realize that the other is going to be seriously mad at them for no good reason at all many times over the next couple of years, and there's not a thing they can do.

    Good luck, and in spite of what it may seem like, this is survivable (see steps 2 and 3)
  10. Casper


    I too have no first hand dealinga in this matter nor do I know anyone who's been affected by rape, but I would imagine that besides the great advice already given I would make sure that the husband conveys by his words and actions that he does not blame her for the event. By that I mean that sometimes victims of these types of crimes can blame themselves, so maybe some reassurance is also warranted.
    That is the only thing I can think of adding to this thread. Again this is just my personal opinion.

    Peace Out and best of health to your friend's wife and him.
  11. Ozzy


    not when they don't know about it......

    it'll help his friend a big bunch though.
  12. justme

    justme homo economicus

    Actually, pursuing this kind of action normally adds even more stress to the victim as now she has to deal with concern for her loved ones. Vigilante revenge is usually less about restoring the security of the victim and more about restoring the self image of the vigilante as a protector. Admittedly, it would probably take more self control than I have to let reason rule in the event that I knew how to find the assailent of a loved one.
  13. Ozzy


    first you hunt down the fuck and do what a friend and i did to someone who raped his GF at the time....

    well i can't exactly say what i did on a public board but you can imagine.

    he's still alive btw. so we did take it easy on him.....

    well maybe not.
  14. justme

    justme homo economicus

    I'm not a providor, and I've never been raped, however I do have more experience in these matters than I'd like. The following is just my opinion and based on my observations. There is no magic formula for dealing with this tremendous trauma. The principle thing that your friend needs to keep in mind is patience - unbelievable, staggering, admirable patience. Victems of rape tend to walk an emotional tightrope for a long (years... decades) time after the episode. More than likely she will be very hard to interract with for quite some time and he will have to maintain the patience to roll with whatever punches that come their way. It's very important that he not think in terms of a 'healing time' after which everything will 'go back to normal'. While his wife will gradually become more stable, she will always be affected by the event. This will no doubt be a tremendous strain on him, but it's important that if he does loose his patience, that he not release on her. As a friend, the best thing that you can probably do is provide him with an outlet for his frusterations so that he can return to his wife with newfound patience.
  15. Geezy Muldoon

    Geezy Muldoon Gold


    [Edited by Judge Crater on 07-25-2001 at 05:39 PM]