The Wife

Discussion in 'Humor, Jokes, Etc.' started by Banacek, Mar 28, 2016.

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  1. backseat


    Text to Husband

    My darling husband, Before you return from work, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

    I was coming home from Safeway, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

    The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately the pickup came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I amreally sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you.

    I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

    Your loving wife.



    P.S. Your girlfriend called.
    hardndslick likes this.
  2. WizardOfAhhs


    "Give it to me", she yelled. "I'm so fucking wet! Give it to me now!!"
    I don't care how loud she screams. We only have one, and I had the umbrella first.
    MayorSimpleton likes this.
  3. TheRicker


    A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is.
  4. WizardOfAhhs


  5. Banacek

    Banacek SAM I am

    I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.
    My prosepective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally went braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did that when she was near anyone else.
    One day the little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her big sister.
    Well, I was in total shock to say the least, and couldn't utter a single word.
    She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you wnat one last fling, just come up and get me."
    I was stunned and frozen in stock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed towards my car.
    Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the familly..."
    And the moral of the story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

    Ointment, AssMan19, vad1 and 6 others like this.
  6. Banacek

    Banacek SAM I am

    miracle of toilet paper
    Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of telling me it's not so, he came up with a suggestion.
    "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
    Willing to try anything, I took a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
    "How long will this take?" I asked.
    "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replied.
    Then I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
    Without missing a beat he said, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
    He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
    AssMan19, backseat and The Exiled like this.
  7. Traderdave


    From Rodney

    I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
  8. Banacek

    Banacek SAM I am

    Funny, I didn't know Bo Peep was married. :p
  9. Schumacher


    From Andrew Dice Clay

    Little Bo Peep fucked her sheep
    Blew a horse, licked his feet
    She ate his ass so very nice
    Tongued his balls not once but twice

    Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater
    Had a wife, loved to beat her
    Smacked her twice across the head
    Fucked her ass and went to bed
  10. Banacek

    Banacek SAM I am

    As much as I don't like that other TERrible website, some of the jokes that are posted there are hysterical. One provider in particular is responsible for posting most of the better ones. I wish I could copy some of them to here, but I understand that is forbidden. Perhaps if I can find them in another source, then I will copy them from there to here.
  11. Woodguy


    My wife came into the living room and asked me what was on the TV.
    That's when the fight started.
    Banacek likes this.
  12. Schumacher


    A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
    "I'm divorcing Irving.
    All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
    My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece,
    when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece

    Her mother says …..
    "You're married to a successful multi-millionaire businessman!
    You live in an 8 bedroom mansion 8,000 square foot house!
    You have a 65 foot yacht
    You drive a $250,000 Ferrari!
    You get $2,000 a week allowance!
    You take 6 vacations to Europe and Asia every year and you want to throw all that away
    over 45 cents????

  13. Banacek

    Banacek SAM I am

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped silently into the garage.
    I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
    The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe, my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
    steveoo1970 likes this.
  14. Banacek

    Banacek SAM I am

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.
    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
    I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
    I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
  15. Banacek

    Banacek SAM I am

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes," she sighed,
    "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
    hardndslick likes this.
  16. Slinky Bender

    Slinky Bender The All Powerful Moderator

    Two guys ride home every day on the LIRR - a rich guy and a blue collar guy. Come Christmas time the rich guy says "I'm tired of her not liking what I get her for Christmas so this year I got her 2 presents: I got her a brand new Mercedes AND a diamond necklace from Tiffany's. That way if she doesn't like the Mercedes at least she will like the diamond necklace."

    The blue collar guys says "I did the same thing. I got her a lawnmower and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the lawnmower she can go fuck herself."
  17. Banacek

    Banacek SAM I am

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be a Millionaire while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
    "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
    So I told her, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    steveoo1970, biohazard and backseat like this.
  18. Banacek

    Banacek SAM I am

    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."
    biohazard likes this.
  19. Banacek

    Banacek SAM I am

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    redbox, biohazard and backseat like this.
  20. Banacek

    Banacek SAM I am

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    "I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."